Yea it's the auto settlement borg you need, the seller doesn't get your coins.if it's been cancelled message the auto settlement with the order number and your wallet. Its usually sorted within 24 hours
https://littlebiggy.org/viewSubject/p/4807222

Haha this is a quality comp..ill give it a go..

Slightly hard of hearing Mr Bailey is walking along a narrow street ( think York shambles), when a commotion on the other side catches his eye, curious he crosses over to find out what's occurring.
He soon finds that a short man (uncle wala) is trying help another man off the ground and politely asks if he needed a hand.. the conversation follows..
Mr B..' excuse me sir, but would you like a hand'
Uncle w ' why how lovely of you to offer, please could you help me help this this man find his feet'
Mr B ' receipt? Receipt for what?, perhaps he is sitting on it'
Uncle w ' not receipt, find his feet'
Mr B ' but I can't lift his feet, otherwise we won't get him up to find the receipt'
Uncle W ' no no no, there is no receipt sir, I need him on his feet'
Mr B 'why would you knee this poor man, what's the matter with you?, I think I should call the police'

At the mention of the police, man on ground jumps up and says, 'not the police, and turns to uncle w and says, in a very lethargic way, ' jeez weedy wala, that is the best blunt I've had in years, I want to hug you'

Mr B looks astonished, and turns to uncle W and cries, ' good grief man, run quickly, this man wants to mug you, now I know why you kneed him, and don't worry, I was a scrapper back in my day' before pushing uncle W to the side and lamping the clearly still wasted other man so hard he drops back to the ground and passes out..

Uncle W, turns and says 'my goodness, why on earth did you do that you fool'

Mr B replies, ' why thank you, its a long time since I was called cool, I think I quite like this place' before turning and leaving to walk back across the road, leaving a very confused uncle wala to try and revive his stoned and now knockout friend..

Lol, tried to keep it short, but that one could run for ages..

When's the draw😅 I might try another when I have more time🤣

Lmao good try!!

Guys I’m Gona chose the winners late night tomorrow

So you got until Tomororw
Before I ship the prizes on Monday

Hey Cur8 dying to know who the winners are 🤪

Script: "Kurta Wala Meets Mr. Butterworth"

Scene: A small, chaotic tea shop in East London. Behind the counter is Kurta Wala, flamboyant and full of energy. In walks Mr. Clive Butterworth, a stiff-upper-lip British gentleman in tweed.


---

Kurta Wala: Arrey! Welcome to Kurta Wala’s Tea and Everything Emporium! What can I do for you, babu? Chai, samosas, or just my charming company?

Mr. Butterworth: (adjusting monocle) I heard Cur8Resin’s your go-to vendor on LittleBiggy. I’m here to inquire.

Kurta Wala: Ah, Cur8Resin! Top-notch, best on LittleBiggy. But babu, no business without chai. Sit. You need my Kurta Wala Special first.

Mr. Butterworth: (hesitant) I don’t see why—

Kurta Wala: (dramatic) No chai, no life! Trust me, babu, one sip, and you’ll feel like James Bond in a Bollywood movie.

(Mr. Butterworth reluctantly sits. Kurta Wala brews chai with flair, sliding it over with a grin.)

Kurta Wala: Here you go—ginger, cardamom, cinnamon, and a sprinkle of jazbaati magic!

Mr. Butterworth: (takes a sip, eyes widen) Good grief… this is exceptional!

Kurta Wala: Told you! Now, Cur8Resin—best stuff, handpicked with love. Found it on LittleBiggy myself.

Mr. Butterworth: (suspicious) And this jazbaati magic?

Kurta Wala: (winks) Family secret! But no hash—unless you ask.

Mr. Butterworth: (splutters) Good heavens! This place is absurd.

Kurta Wala: (laughing) Relax, babuji! Just jokes. Now take some samosas for the road. They pair perfectly with a Cur8Resin delivery.

Mr. Butterworth: (grumbling, eating a samosa) Utter madness. But I may… return.

Kurta Wala: (shouting after him) Don’t forget—five stars for Kurta Wala and Cur8Resin on LittleBiggy!


---

[End Scene]

Winning so far! Hilarious

😂🤣🤣😂😂🤣🤣

Title: "The Adventures of Hash Wala"

Scene: A dimly lit street corner in London. It’s a typical chilly evening. We hear the distant sound of the hustle and bustle of London traffic. A sign reads “Hash Wala’s Corner Shop.” The shop is small, messy, and full of oddities—mismatched chairs, a cracked teapot, and a big sign with “HASH WALA” scribbled in chalk. A very British gentleman, Sir Reginald Fiddlesticks, in his tweed suit, monocle, and top hat, approaches the shop. Inside, behind the counter, is Hash Wala, an eccentric, energetic Indian man with a giant bushy mustache, wearing an old kurta, and constantly surrounded by smoke from his mysterious "melty hash."

[The bell above the door rings as Sir Reginald enters the shop.]

Sir Reginald: (In a posh British accent) Good heavens! What is this place? It smells like a blend of incense, potpourri, and... what, might I ask, is that peculiar odour?

Hash Wala: (Squints through smoke, grinning wide) Ah! Welcome, welcome, my dear Sir! You’ve arrived at Hash Wala’s very own corner of... enlightenment! The finest hash, the finest tea, and the finest company you’ll ever find! (He laughs, coughing slightly from the smoke.)

Sir Reginald: (Looks around skeptically) I see, yes. It smells like my old uncle's beard after a night at the local pub. Quite pungent. What exactly is it you serve here, my good man?

Hash Wala: (Suddenly gets very serious) What do I serve? I serve... magic! I serve... history! I serve... a jolly good time! (He dramatically throws his arms up in the air, knocking over a jar of something sticky.) I serve you, my friend, the melty hash! It melts your worries away!

Sir Reginald: (Frowning) Melty hash, you say? What does it... melt exactly?

Hash Wala: (Leaning in and whispering conspiratorially) Melt your mind, melt your troubles, melt your reality, my dear chap. (He waves a hand, as if summoning mystical forces.) You see, the hash is not just any hash. It’s a hash of the finest quality, with a little British twist. I call it... ‘Hash of the Empire.’ (He sniffs the air, looking proud.)

Sir Reginald: (Tilts his monocle, looking slightly horrified) 'Hash of the Empire'? That's... well, quite odd, old fellow. Is it edible, or do I need a shovel and a spade to dig through it?

Hash Wala: (Laughs heartily, slapping the counter) Oh, Sir! It's far more than edible! It's... it's like the Queen’s corgis after a run in the park—fluffy, wonderful, and slightly disorienting! You see, this hash has the power to make you rethink everything. It's not just a snack; it's an experience.

Sir Reginald: (Raises an eyebrow) I’m not certain I wish to rethink everything. I’m quite fond of my current thinking, thank you. I quite like knowing which fork to use at dinner.

Hash Wala: (Laughing wildly) Forks? Oh, you mean those things that are too delicate for the real work? Here, we use our hands! And we enjoy the real experience of life! (He points to a huge jar of suspicious-looking green goo on the shelf.) Try a dab of this, my dear Sir. It’s called ‘The Sceptre’s Delight.’

Sir Reginald: (Leaning back) Ahem, ‘The Sceptre’s Delight,’ you say? That sounds more like a British scandal than a snack. Do I need a passport to sample it?

Hash Wala: (Grinning even wider) Nah, nah, mate! You just need an open mind and a sense of adventure! (He grabs a spoon and scoops out a small portion of the goo, offering it to Sir Reginald.) Go on, have a taste! It’ll make you feel like you're flying over Buckingham Palace with a cup of tea in hand!

Sir Reginald: (Glaring at the spoon) I’m afraid I’ve never been fond of flying, especially over palaces... But very well, just a small taste.

[Sir Reginald hesitates, then tentatively takes a bite of the goo. His eyes widen.]

Sir Reginald: (Eyes darting around, starting to sway slightly) Blimey! What in tarnation is this? It’s like... it’s like I can hear the Queen’s voice in my head saying, ‘Reginald, do stop acting so stiff and get on with it.’

Hash Wala: (Nods sagely, puffing out more smoke) Exactly, exactly! You’re getting it now! You see, this hash isn’t just about the flavours, it’s about unlocking your true potential! The world suddenly feels like... like one big garden party!

Sir Reginald: (In a daze, speaking very slowly) By Jove, I do believe... I just saw a crow wearing a bow tie. And was that Big Ben... dancing?

Hash Wala: (Nodding, amused) Yes, my friend! That’s the magic of the Hash Wala special! You can see things you’ve never seen before! Think things you’ve never thought before! Like... maybe you’ll realize that you don’t need all these fancy clothes and manners. You could just wear a kurta and be free, like me!

Sir Reginald: (Looking down at his suit, then staring at Hash Wala’s kurta) A kurta, you say? Well, I never thought I’d... but you know, it does look rather comfortable... and colourful. Perhaps I’ll take a set. But first, what in the world is that noise coming from your kettle?

Hash Wala: (Hears a strange buzzing noise) Ah, the tea kettle! It's the ‘Saffron Surprise’ brewing. It sings to you when it’s ready! It’s a symphony for the soul, my good Sir! (He rushes to the kettle, which is now emitting a high-pitched hum.)

Sir Reginald: (Laughing) Well, I’ll be! A tea kettle with musical aspirations? Perhaps I’ve finally lost my mind!

Hash Wala: (Chuckling) Oh, Sir, you haven’t lost it. You’ve just found it in a completely new place!

[Both burst into laughter, the room filled with smoke and the scent of tea.]

Sir Reginald: (Giggling uncontrollably) By Jove! I do believe this is the most insane tea party I’ve ever had!

Hash Wala: (Grinning) Welcome to the Hash Wala experience, old sport! Where the party never stops... and the hash never melts... well, at least not completely!

[The scene fades out with them laughing, the kettle whistling, and the sound of Big Ben’s faint jiggling tune in the distance.]

Old uncles beard lmao!!


Winner winner
Chicken for dinner

Gimme a message bro with your details

Unsolicited existential advice lmao !! Hilarious dude

"Hash Wala's Delights"**

*Scene: A quaint, shabby little street corner in London. A small, steam-emitting cart sits beside a busy sidewalk. A large sign reads: "Hash Wala's Specialty - The Best Melty Hash in Town!" The cart is run by an eccentric old man, **Uncle Hash Wala**, who has wild hair, a thick accent, and a wide grin.*

*Enter: An old British gentleman in a tweed suit, bowler hat, and monocle, clearly out of place. His name is **Sir Reginald Crumpetworth**, a prim and proper fellow with an air of dignified confusion.*

---

**Sir Reginald**: (lifting monocle to his eye, inspecting the cart)
"Ah, good day, good sir. I say, what is this curious contraption? And what, pray tell, is 'melty hash'?"

**Uncle Hash Wala**: (beaming with pride, his hands moving in exaggerated motions as he explains)
"Ah, my friend! You’ve just stumbled upon the finest delicacy of the century. This, Sir, is **Hash Wala’s World-Famous Melty Hash!** It's... well, it's *sort* of like a hash, but it melts like a dream! Very popular among the young and the old, but especially among those with a *very* specific appreciation for, um... *unconventional relaxation.*" (winks)

**Sir Reginald**: (puzzled)
"Relaxation, you say? I must admit, I’m more of a fan of a good Earl Grey and a game of croquet. This... 'melty hash'... isn't that some sort of culinary... *invention* gone awry?"

**Uncle Hash Wala**: (laughs heartily)
"Invention? Invention, my dear chap! This is not invention, this is a *revolution* of flavours! It’s all-natural, non-GMO, 100% organic relaxation... straight from the garden of life itself!"

**Sir Reginald**: (still skeptical)
"Hm, I do enjoy a good garden, but I’m rather partial to a bit of fresh thyme, you know? Are you suggesting I’d feel... ‘relaxed’ after sampling this... *melty hash*?"

**Uncle Hash Wala**: (gesturing dramatically)
"Relaxed? You’ll be floating, my good man! You’ll be walking on air, feeling as light as a feather, like a cloud on a sunny day! You won’t even need your monocle to see the world in a whole new light! You’ll be... well, let’s say, you’ll be more 'open to the vibes.'"

**Sir Reginald**: (raising an eyebrow, slightly intrigued)
"Open to the vibes, you say? Well, I do suppose I could use a bit of... *vibe-opening* in my life. What does it cost? Surely not more than my annual subscription to the Gentleman's Club of Mildly Controversial Opinions?"

**Uncle Hash Wala**: (snaps his fingers)
"Ah, for you, my friend, a special price. Two pounds and fifty pence for a serving that will change your life. Or, at the very least, make you forget about it for a few hours."

**Sir Reginald**: (hesitant but intrigued, pulls out wallet)
"Two pounds, eh? Well, one must support local... *innovations*, I suppose. But I do hope this isn't one of those things that makes you... *question your existence*?"

**Uncle Hash Wala**: (grins mischievously)
"Question your existence? Nah, my friend. You’ll just be too busy enjoying the snack to worry about your existence. It’s like a vacation for your mind! Don’t ask questions, just eat, and let the world do its thing!"

**Sir Reginald**: (takes a deep breath)
"Well, what’s the worst that could happen? I’ve survived three failed marriages and a suspiciously awful round of golf. I'll give it a go."

(He hands over the money, takes a bite of the melty hash, and after a moment, his face lights up.)

**Sir Reginald**: (staring into the distance)
"By Jove, I do believe I’m *floating*... This is... this is absolutely *marvellous*! I feel as though I’ve just become one with the universe, and the universe... smells faintly of... coriander and... lavender?"

**Uncle Hash Wala**: (grinning widely)
"See? I told you, mate. Welcome to the Hash Wala experience. No turning back now!"

**Sir Reginald**: (nodding serenely, clearly in another dimension)
"Why, I think I’ll cancel that subscription to the Gentleman’s Club. Too stiff, too proper. This... this... *melty hash* is the real deal!"

---

*Scene fades with Sir Reginald wandering off, blissfully humming, as Uncle Hash Wala watches him go with a satisfied smile.*

Recently Roo and his grandad were out for lunch and bumped into Abs' uncle Kurta and as Roo suspected...gramps was gona be gramps.
Roo>how's things uncle kurta,this is my grampa Joe.
Kurta>hi Mr Wain nice to meet you.
Gramps>he's no yer uncle why ye callin him uncle?
Roo>sighs
Kurta>haha its a family thing just call me Hash.
Gramps> Wit? Hash as in like the old wacky backy haha?
Kurta>got it in one haha.
Gramps>well lovely to meet ye Hash son,yer nephew's a brilliant boy.
Kurta>cheers old fella,you're looking very dapper with your suit on.
Gramps>aye no as much as you son. Give my Roo some bloody fashion tips!
Kurta>hahaha the young fella can't pull of this wardrobe
Roo>sighs..what a day its been already...

2 people took part so far and this challenge is up till Friday

3 x 1g giveaways

So yes that’s 3 possible winners champs

British man: “I say let’s eat in here Uncle kurtas Bazaar.
Uncle Kurta: afternoon good sir my apologies but I feel our food is a little spicy for you
British man: Piffle old bean I will eat anything you eat
Uncle: ok sir please enjoy but I am warning you
British man: I say Mr Kurta would you have some milk or maybe a little smoke to take the edge off
- passes a rolled joint
Uncle : I am warning you again sir this is very special smoking very strong
British man: Damn you Kurta I will smoke anything you smoke
10 minutes later new customer walks in
Uncle : hello sir please this way , don’t mind Mr smith he is very tired .

the vision in my head was comical 🤣

😅😂😂 lol yes can try anything all macho then knocked out after a joint haha

0-0 to both teams

Football 🤔... no idea but husband says. 1-1 draw

2-0 to Arsenal 13/12/24 @ 13:07 👍

1-1
Good luck 🤞

2-0 to arsenal

2-0 arsenal
13/12/24
12:42pm

4-0 Arsenal

1-0 arsenal
12/12/24@11:20
Thanks

Yes I agree a 2-2 draw 😎✌️
12/12/24@10:52

ITS CHRISTMAS!!!!!! 🎄☃️🎁

Arsenal 3-0 Everton
12/12
9:45

Good luck everyone

3-1 to Arsenal

Arsenal 4 - 0 Everton
12/12/24
09:12

4-0 to Arsenal against Everton
12th December 0902.
Merry Christmas everyone.

2-1 Arsenal
12/12/24
08:53

Arsenal 2 - 0 Everton

11/12/24

18:21

Arsenal 1-0 Everton
11/12/24
15:10
Thank you ☃️

3-0 arsenal
11/12/24
15.14
COYG

2-1 to Everton
12.50 11/12/24

Merry Christmas everyone

4-1 arsenal
11.12.24
11:25

Thanks for the comp

2-1 Arsenal
11/10/24
11:14

4-0
11/12/24
11:02
👏

Boring 0-0 draw

Arsenal 1 Everton 2
10:44 11/12/24

4 - 0

Thankyou

1 - 2
10:19, 11/12/24

Bet you didn't see THAT prediction coming ☠️

Ballsy or just an Everton fan? 😝

Felt a bit devilish old son, and certainly NOT a fan of Everton ,

I was gonna go 4 zip to the gunners but it's Christmas maybe a shock in store

3-1
10:07 11/12/24

I don’t have a clue but I’ll go 1-1 😂

3-1 arsenal 11/12/24

3-0 Arsenal

1-0 arsenal (trossard)

3-1 Arsenal To win
Great competition thanks for the opportunity 11.12.24@08.38💚✌️

3-0 Arsenal cheers

3-1 to arsenal

10:54 pm

10/12/2024

Thank you

4-1 Gooners.

10/12/24

22:51

2-1 to Everton
10/12/24
22.23
Nice comp. Thanks guys

2 - 0 arsenal

2-1 Arsenal
10/12/24
22:07

Cheers and good luck everyone 🤞🏻

3-0 arsenal please
10.12.24 21.33

Thank you 😊

4-0 arsenal please
Thanks 👍

3-0 arsenal
10/12/24 @ 21:23

2-0 Arsenal

3-1 to arsenal

2-1 to arsenal

2-0 Thanks

3-1 to Arsenal 🏆

The full time whistle has gone and the results are in.

Thank you to everyone for taking part.

Arsenal 0 - 0 Everton

Congratulations to the winners:
HughPhug
JebusChris6

We will be in touch shortly to send your winnings.

Jokes about white sugar are rare..

Now… jokes about brown sugar..

Demerara

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy. The other's a little lighter.

Sorry everyone!!

Had the Mrs in hospital so Lb takes the back seat.

I'm picking her up later, so will try and get her to read everyone's contributions.

Sorry again guy"s

All the best, mate.

Morning KIG mate family first,hope the missus is ok

I went to get me haircut the other day and the barber told me I'm going bald. I said "Well fuckin hurry up then!"

What did the Pirate say on his 80th Birthday?

Aye Matey

Someone has been sneaking into my weapons room and putting superglue all over everything.

My friend thinks i'm talking shit but i'm sticking to my guns!

I went to one of those Turkish baths on holiday...

They shaved with razor-sharp blade below the neck line, snipped ear & nose hairs, waxed chest hairs & plucked all the bum crack hairs, finishing with a moustache trim & alcohol rub...

Honestly, the wife's never looked so good.

Joash123 is the WINNER of my competition.

Josh, could you choose your favourite as 2nd place prize please. They will receive 7 grams of flower and 14 for yourself

Well done and congratulations

Well done joash mate

It's a girl 1

Amazing surprise! I appreciate it Mr and Mrs KiG :-D hope the latter is feeling a bit better too <3 gonna go with "windiest" with his mathematician joke, cheers!

I'm so confused, I told my mate that they have an incredible mustache and suddenly she's not my friend anymore.

Hahaha joash had me in stitches this one

Why couldn’t the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box

I hear they're making a mind controlled air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it.

A priest asked the Pope if its ok to have sex with young boys. The Pope said"Its legal when they've left school" The priest said, "Fuckin roll on 4 o'clock!"

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel.

"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mum is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another glass of water over her arse. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids.

No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.

At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."

After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. "Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over her behind."

"I see," says the girl, "What happened then?"

"Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mum over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.

"It's easily explained. Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him. I'm watching the match.'"

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

What's the difference between a wife and a job? After 10 years, a job still sucks

I had a part in Oliver Twist.....


It was great I couldn't ask for more

I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. This can only mean one thing.
It’s laundry day.

I asked my wife to let me know the next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

I approached a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and said, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” asked the beautiful woman.
To which I replied “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: What are my choices?
Wife: Yes or fucking no!

Two priests are stopped by the police at a roadblock. The police tell them the reason for the roadblock is that they're currently looking for two child molesters. The priests share a quick look and reply in unison: "Officer, it's your lucky day! We're the right men for the job, we can start today."

I went to the zoo the other day. It only had one animal. It was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu

Why did the tiger get lost?

Because junglist MASSIVE

I've entered with that one before but I got it wrong that time

Why did the toilet roll, roll down the hill?

Because it wanted to get, to the BOTTOM!

What did the nought say to the eight?

Blimey, your belt's tight, innit??


You did say have as many goes as you like, sorry, love jokes 😬🤗💥💥💥👾

Some bloke in the Middle East has started a company that converts landmines into prayer mats ... prophets are going
through the roof.

Somebody broke into my house the other night, stole all my limbo equipment. How low can you go?

I was in pieces when I found out r Kelly had gone to jail, I kept thinking to myself...what's she done now?!

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn't let a lentil on my face for £40

✌🏻💚🤣

I had a water fight with some local kids earlier,, they were no match for Me and my freshly boiled kettle!

Go on then, one more just to bump the thread...

Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs?

Jason's Donnervan!

What's E.T. short for?

He's only got little legs.

What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang around, I'll go on ahead.

What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

HAAANDEEEEEEEEEYE!

How do you confuse an Irishmen, give him 3 shovels and tell
him take your pick.

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

None

What do call a fake noodle?
An Im-pasta

What do you call the little Spanish fella that lives in your toilet?

Señor Bumhole!

Did you hear about the award winning scarecrow….
He was outstanding in his field!

Haha kpdg

Joash123 is officially the WINNER to the competition.

Sorry for the delayed winner announcement

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.
I love felt tips!

My girlfriend bought a cookbook the other day called Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian

if drinking alcohol damages short-term memory…


Just imagine what drinking alcohol can do!

The last thing my grandfather said to me was “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”

That really….spoke volumes.

I keep randomly shouting out 'broccoli' and 'cauliflower'
I think I might have florets!

Why was the washing machine laughing?
It was taking the piss out of some knickers!

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met….
I’m not buying it.

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."



He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."



Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"



Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me...

Have you heard about the dyslexic pimp? He accidentally bought a warehouse

Apparently the Flintstones is getting Really big in the middle east
The people in Iran don't like it.
But the people in Abu Dhabi DO!

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk