Did you know that people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones..... but people in Abu Dhabi do

LOL

What do you call a couple that go fishing?

Rod & Annette 😁

Annette lol

How does a stoner recite Shakespeare? “Doobie or not doobie

very good

If weed puns are a sin, I’ll see you inhale.

I was considering a geography pun, but on second thought there's Norway I'd go Oslo as that.

best so far

lol come on man..........

chuckle chuckle

That's every weed smoker who ever lived i think

Works on so many levels, thank you.

Farmer walks into the bedroom where his wife is in bed and he has got a sheep under his arm.

He says: “This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache”

She says: “That’s a sheep”

He says: “I was talking to the sheep”


🐑🐖🐑🐖🐑🐖🐑🐖😁😉

This is out front by a mile polypuff20

Funny

Why don't popular girls hang out in groups of 2 4 or 6?

Because they can't even

Head in hand for this 1 lol

2 Cannibals eating a Clown 🤡 one Cannibal says to the other does that taste funny 😂🤣

today is going to be comical i recon

Cop asks the guy, “How high are you?” The guy responded with, “No, officer. It’s ‘Hi, how are you.

The other day a woman described me as a looker.... well 'voyeur' was the actual word she used... 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤣🤣🤣

Abit on the dark side but it’s a comp so..

Why did hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill

9.5/10

Strong contender

Lol

Selling my hoover on eBay. Well it’s just collecting dust 🙈

good start lol

I could go on all day lol but thought I’d give some others a chance

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other was called Christian. Life was good, except that the prawns were constantly being chased and threatened by sharks. Finally one day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm tired of being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten."
Just then a mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian swam off, afraid of being eaten up by his old friend.

Time went by and Justin found himself bored and lonely as a shark. All his old pals were afraid of him and swam away whenever he came near. Then one day he was out swimming and saw the mysterious cod.

"I want to be a prawn again," said Justin. "Please change me back!" And lo and behold, the cod changed him back to a prawn. With tears of joy in his little eyes, Justin swam to Christian's house and knocked on the door. "It's me, Justin, your old friend! Come out and see me!" he shouted.

"No," said Christian. "I'll not be tricked. You're a shark and you will eat me!"

Justin cried back, "No, I'm not! That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

I was going to work out in the gym today but I read that joke instead.

1st religious joke lol

Cannabis growers do it with Hoes

Love dem hoes

Ho ho ho

You can do it, put your back into it

Tick tick boom

Big Willie style

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home and got ripped 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😬😬

Good contender there Daz

Nice1

Two parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other I smell something fishy

Had to read this 1 few times

Very funny indeed

So I took a poll recently... and 100% of people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down 🤣🤣🤣✌️🍁

Brilliantly silly.

Nice

"You know, you can go to jail for weed.”
"Wait, jail sells weed?!”

very good

A stoner, a jedi, a doctor walk into a bar.........

Blunt force trauma 🤣

Jimmy Saville, Stuart Hall and Fred Talbot walk into an irish bar.

barman says "oh no, not yew tree again!"

funny

Two elderly ladies sitting on a park bench. Guy comes over and flashes his dick. One of the ladies had a stroke, the other couldn't quite reach.

Very good

Hi all 👍 Check this joke out 🤣🧐......
A teacher attempts to teach 3rd graders about the human body, so she shows a drawing of the male reproductive organ and asks the class what it is.
One of her students, Bobbie, answers: “I know. My father has two.”
Teacher: “Really? How does he have two?”
Bobbie: “The skinny one comes out when he is in the toilet. The fat one comes out to brush my nanny’s teeth.”🤣🤣🤣

Funny funny Jayboy

I was visiting the US and wanted to get some solid one afternoon. I called the nearest marijuana dispensary and got this recorded message… “If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key now.”

Nice and weed related 10/10

What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit!

Lol lol

Why are pirates called pirates?
Cos they arrrgggh.
Where do pirates shop at Xmas?
Arrrgggos

A binman turns up at some blokes door.
"Where's your bin mate?"

The man says "I just bin to the toilet"

Binman says "No mate, where's your dustbin?"

The man replies "I told you, I dustbin to the toilet"

Binman says "cmon mate where's your wheelie bin??"

Man says "OK,OK, I wheelie bin having a wank" 🍆

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

....a carrot 🥕

Dieing

Holy fuck. I'm sat smoking and dieing now. Holy Jesus balls!! Cough cough pass to myself cough cough

Haha

What do you call a potato that smokes weed?
A baked potato

Doctor doctor I’ve got a strawberry up my bum.
Ah I’ve got some cream for that

Why did the octopus blush? Because he saw the bottom of the ocean!

🦄

And then the sea wee'd

water you doing? you gotta be squidding me man 🧝‍♂️

Kriller joke 😅

KELP!!! i cant think of a reply 👄

Yeah bouy! That is nauti!

Shorely we should have pun that

we're loving like that

Why did the tiger get lost?

Because jungle is MASSIVE

10/10

Feeling a bit on edge smoking in my garden today - my neighbour's turned his house into a Rehab Centre.

At least I think he has. There's a new sign on his front garden that says "Keep off the grass"

What happened to the crab that went to the disco?

It pulled a mussel

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo!

I can't tell it as well as Sir Clement, so here's a link.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

fsh 🐟 👀

2 fish in a tank. One turns to the other..

"how the fuck do you drive this thing?"

Giving it an hour then choosing a winner guy's.

It's close between 3 of you cheeky chappies.

Then the winner chooses their favourite joke ok.

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

Clean....
Straight to the jugular

I filled the escort up with diesel. She died.

Lol

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away

That's a Christmas joke lol

Very funny still

haha, my bad

A clown showed up late for work on his first day and got sacked from the circus.
He's suing them for funfair dismissal.

Very good lol

What do you call a German that lives in a tin ?

Heinz !🤣

German jokes are the best

My dog has no legs. I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag….

Drag lol

When I have a hot date, I like to get them to help me to choose some wine for dinner beforehand. It's a great way to get them into my basement and I only have to cook for myself then.

Basement jokes are good

I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a baguette in a cage!?!?





Apparently it was bread in captivity 🥁

Lol very good

What's worse than girls running with scissors? Girls scissoring with the runs!

Filthy filthy

What a mess

Why was the penguins shop busy?......

Because the fish fillet
🐟

had to read it twice but very good

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

I do love this guys

Your a winner in your own league

I can't help shouting CAULIFLOWER and BROCCOLI randomly!
I think I have florets.............

- Doctor Doctor I can’t stop wrapping myself in Cling Film!

- Well I can clearly see your nuts!

A duck walks into a pub. He goes up the bar and the barman says "Hello mate, what can I get you?" "Got any bread?" asks the duck. "Sorry we don't sell bread." came the reply. The duck thinks for a moment "Hhhmmmm... Got any bread?" The barman says again, this time slightly short "No, we don't sell bread." "Ok... In that case... Got any bread?"
The barman is now getting angry and shouts "Listen you fucking stupid duck, I've told you twice and now a third time WE DON'T SELL BREAD! If you ask me for fucking bread again, I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar!"
"Got any nails?" asks the duck.
"NOOO! I DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS!"

"Got any bread?"

Can't do this one justice....so I'll leave it to Rik.....

What do you do if you see a spaceman?…..park in it maaan! ☮️

A good 8/10

It's good to get up and read few jokes

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't let a lentil on my face, but I would let a chick pea

Very very Good

Little Jimmy goes to see his priest and says “ Father, I don’t believe in Jesus any more. Every night I pray for a new bike and every morning? No bike!”.
The priest replies “ Ah, young James. That’s not how prayer in the Catholic Church works. What you need to do is go out and steal a bike then pray for forgiveness”.

Lol

Why did the monkey fall out the tree?…. Coz it was dead

I like that mate

my father was a tailor.... he was always touching cloth 😀

Dunno if you can handle my jokes but ill try you with one and see how it goes .

Little jenny comes home from school and says
Dad dad can i go to the disco friday ?
Dad answers i suppose so but only if you suck my cock !!
Jenny replys oh ffs if i have to ..
1 min later she stops and says dad this really tastes like shit..
Dad replys yeah your brother asked half hour ago .

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

I just bought some shoes from a dealer, I don't know what they were laced with but I've been tripping all day!

Too late for the comp, but sometimes reality is just....well....you couldn't make it up eh? 🤣

A former heavyweight boxer from Montenegro was charged by the U.S. Department of Justice on Monday with trafficking in 22 tons of cocaine worth over $1 billion, most of which was part of one of the largest cocaine seizures in American history.

Lawrence Hashish, the lawyer for Gogic, said: "These charges came as a surprise to him. He maintains his innocence, and had come to the U.S. for a boxing convention in Puerto Rico."

https://www.reuters.com/world/us/us-charges-former-montenegro-boxer-over-22-ton-1-billion-cocaine-seizure-2022-10-31/

An American was on holiday in Ireland and was in the pub having a pint. He was chatting to the bar man and asked if there was anyone around that could give him a game of golf on the local course.

The bar man said "Yeah Paddy is very good at golf". The American sat down with Paddy and asked if he wanted to play a game the next day. Paddy said "Ok, I'll meet you at 9, but I might be half hour late"

The next day Paddy turns up at 9 with his left hand clubs, plays the American and beats him. The American said "How about another game tomorrow?". Paddy replies "Yeah sure. I'll be here for 9, but I might be half hour late"

The next day, Paddy turn up at 9 with his right handed clubs, plays the American and wins convincingly. The American says "Right, how about another game tomorrow! Last game". Paddy replies "Yeah sure. I'll be here for 9, but I might be half hour late".

The American says "Hold on, you turn up yesterday with left handed clubs, you turn up today with right handed clubs, what's going on?" Paddy replies "When I wake up in the morning, if the missus is laying on her left side, I bring the left handed clubs and if she's laying on her right side, I bring the right haded clubs."
"What about if she's laying on her back?" asked the American. "I'll be half hour late" says Paddy.

I'm high as fuck right now and Paddy has make me chuckle

hahahaa!! 👍

I took my cats medication by mistake this morning. Don't ask meow.

what's ET short for?



Because he's got little legs.

Really funny loool

more of a philosophical joke

An old Jew dies and goes to Heaven.
He asks if God wants to hear a holocaust joke.
God agrees and the man tells the joke.
God says, "That wasn't funny. It was offensive."
The Jew pauses and replies "I guess you had to be there."

Classic.

Doctor I have leaves growing out my arse....Doctor: I'm afraid that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Nice

Copper walks in on his wife in bed with three men, 'ello ello ello' he says, wife says 'not speaking to me then?'

Better of the 2,

Nice